I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
