i jhust puked up my retainher.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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