i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
