Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
