I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Holy shit dude........stairs
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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