Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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