I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
