You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
