just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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