dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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