EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
