If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
