The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
