Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
