best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
