I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
