Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
