i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
