So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
