if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
