come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i think i have two assholes
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
