In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
no, he came in my armpit
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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