It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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