I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
