Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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