and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
