dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
