As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
