Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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