He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
