Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
