I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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