Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
