I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
