I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
