Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
