you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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