I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
