oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
