so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
