So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
whose parrot is this?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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