I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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