I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
