I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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