just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
