I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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