She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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