Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
