guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
