Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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