Im at strip club and am horny
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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